The Eyes of a Human
by C.L. Forest
Summary: Ashitaka speaks to San in a moment of weakness and tries to convince her that humans aren't as evil as she thinks. A/U Angst.


_Title: The Eyes of a Human  
Author: C.L. Forest  
Genre: Angst/Hurt/Comfort  
A/N: This story is set in an AU (alternate universe) in which Ashitaka and San failed to retrieve the deer god's head and the battle against men was lost._

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I always approached her slowly, my feet barely pressing the ground, careful as though if I moved the slightest inch too close, she'd run off like she always did. This time, however, I let the bottom of my boots crunch the cindery remains of forest, wanting her to know I was here. She whipped her head around to pierce me with those jade green eyes, sharp as a sword. Then they widened into saucers like a doe cornered in the dark. Her voice was hoarse. "What do you want?"

I wasn't able to see much of her face under the Mesonoxian moonlight but I could see her expression in my mind—frightened but her sentiment well hidden behind a snarl or a scowl, only allowing those closest to her to know that she was scared. It was an expression she wore often for she was so vain and proud. Fear to her was not a normalcy but a weakness. I moved closer to her and put my hand on her shoulder. "You should sleep," I told her. "You will need to rest for tomorrow."

She looked at me with a gleam in her eyes. Some kind of longing and hurt that I haven't seen before. She held my gaze for a second or two before tearing away and gazing out into the ashen plains that were once bursting with life. "How do you expect me to sleep?" she spat. "I cannot rest with the knowledge of what the men have done weighing down my mind."

"You have fought hard for your freedom and your land," I was quick to demur. "There is no remorse in this battle. There should be no sorrow."

"I never said we didn't fight well," she snapped. I was taken by surprise and staggered a few steps backward. "The tribe of Moro fought valiantly alongside the boars of Okotto in a way that will dignify us when recorded in the tales of men." She finished almost haughtily as though there was nothing to refute. And there truly was not, for I saw the battle myself and it was one of the greatest I have seen in my lifetime.

"Then why do you mourn the loss of this battle when you know all their lives have not gone to waste?" I asked with sincere curiosity. I waited for her response but all I heard was the deafening silence that escaped her lips and the trilling of one of the crows that had managed to survive. And yet somehow I found her silence enlightening for I felt something whirr and click inside my head. I looked at her hard, pressing her to turn and catch my gaze.

"You are ashamed," I said softly, but the lamprophony of my voice had apparently no effect for she was already breaking under it. "You are ashamed of being a human and you are ashamed of your race. Ashamed of what you are—_who _you are."

There was a deadpan silence that fell before she cried out and swung her arm, nearly slicing my throat with the jeweled dagger I had given her. Within seconds, she had me with my back against the broken remains of a great tree, and the collar of my shirt chafing my neck as she pulled me by the scruff of it.

"_I am no human_," she hissed, annunciating every word with a shot of venom released into the precipitous air. I continued to hold my gaze, unaffected by the sudden violence. I had already grown used to it by now and have learned to trust the invincibility the demon wound on my arm had given me. There was a silent battle between our eyes, penetrating forest green clashing against my own hazy brown. She narrowed those eyes at me and I saw them begin to mollify before she finally let go. "Sorry," I heard her mumble but the apology was not evident in her face as she snarled and turned to walk away.

"San!" I caught her shoulder before she could vanish into the tenebrous plains. She refused to look at me, preferring instead to focus her attention on a pile of burnt carcasses. I chose my next words carefully, not wanting to offend her any further. "You don't have to go back."

She spared me a brief glare but said nothing so I continued, "You'll find nothing but grief there. Morro is dead, so are your brothers and the forest spirit. The golden age of the forest is over. The men will rule and you will have nowhere to run. I do not say you cannot defend yourself for you have already proved that you are very well capable of doing so. I just –"

I trailed off, looking for the right words to explain what I was feeling—this burning sympathy and attachment I felt for the wolf girl before me with dried blood around her mouth and a feisty look in her eyes. I wouldn't call it pity. She would wring my neck if it was. It was something else—a silent urge to protect her from any harm, including grief.

I closed my eyes for a while and sighed and pulled her face to face with me. She was looking at me daringly, full of bravado. I returned the gaze almost woefully. "You can't continue to hurt yourself for those who would never hurt you."

"What do you mean by that?" She glowered. "Do not speak in riddles and say what you have to."

"Come with me to the Ironworks," I said. As soon as the words left my mouth, I could almost feel the atmosphere freeze around me. She pulled away from me hard and staggered backwards. She looked horrified. "W-What?"

I wanted to cringe but I didn't and instead firmly grasped her face and made her look right at me. "Look into my eyes," I instructed. "What do you see?"

"I see nothing."

"Look harder."

She blinked confusedly but did as was told. Somehow, while holding up that gaze with her, I felt like I could see right through her. All the pain, all the loneliness—I could see how it crushed the glow in those eyes. She was no longer a daring wolf princess. She was a frightened vulnerable human just like the rest of us.

When she finally spoke, she spoke carefully as if she was afraid her words might betray her. "I see a face…My reflection."

I remained silent, urging her to go on.

"I…I look as I always have. I do not see your point here, Ashitaka." She made a move to pull away but I tightened my grasp on her. "You see your reflection, but you're not looking hard enough," I pressed. "What _exactly_ do you see?"

She shut her eyes irritably but when she opened them again, her expression was solemn. "I see a girl," she said quietly. "She has green eyes and pale skin with red markings. She…looks scared. She looks lost—like there is no hope. She looks pained, wishing a miracle would happen. She is lonely….and desperate, like a human…"

She took a deep breath before finally saying, "_She_ is _me_."

I loosened my grasp on her and stepped back, waiting for her reaction. I knew it wouldn't surprise her, for this was no great revelation. Just a fact she had been denying all her life. I gave her some time for it to sink in. Suddenly, I could see her sheer will cracking as she finally gave in and burst into tears. Almost as if her legs shattered beneath her, she dropped to her knees and onto the ground. "No, no, I am a wolf. Morro is my mother. I am not human. I am not human." She chanted it like a mantra, trying desperately to convince herself. I felt a twang of guilt watching her bravado crumble into nothingness. I approached her and rested my hand on her shoulder comfortingly.

"You should never be ashamed of who you are," I told her, quoting one of my mother's favorite phrases. "I know it hurts to know that you share their blood but not all humans are the same. You should know that. You may think the humans are evil but they aren't completely evil. Nothing can be completely evil. The Deer god showed us that."

She shook violently and let out a vicious snarl reminiscent of her mother. "And you don't think the slaughter of the forest is evil? The beheading of the Deer God? My mother and brothers? Do you care not for them?"

"It is evil," I agreed earnestly. "But it is fired by goodwill. The golden reign of the forest has lasted long and now it has ended. You wonder why you were left behind but that is because the deer god believed you deserved another chance. A chance with the humans, your kin."

I held out my hand and helped her get up. I noticed that her tears had blurred the red paint on her face and made her eyes bloodshot. I waited for her to say something. Instead of using words to respond, however, she simply shook her head. Her words that followed were laborious.

"I appreciate your concern, Ashitaka, but know this: the humans will _never_ be my kin. I liked you because I thought you were different, but I was wrong. You're not different at all. You're just like them. Take heed, leave me alone, for the next time we meet, I shall slit your throat."

Her words stung like poison and I felt my body go numb. I watched her take off into the tenebrous night and for a fleeting moment I wanted to go after her, but my legs hadn't responded. She threw something at me, and I caught it. It glinted like a star in the moonlight—the jeweled dagger I had given her. I clutched it tight, ignoring the way it cut my fingers, as she slipped into the misty dark.

I never saw the wolf princess again.

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_A/N: I wonder what it is with me and my affinity for Studio Ghibli angst one-shots._

I know Ashitaka is somewhat OOC (out of character) in this story and I apologize. I was having a hard time trying to grasp the art of first person perspective.  
Also, I've noticed that the way I wrote their speech is the slightest bit archaic. This is probably because of my excessive obsession with the Lord of the Rings as of late.

The 'look-into-my-eyes' part was fun to write because it reminded me strongly of _Thalia Eltanin Malfoy_'s story, _Let Me Look Into Your Eyes_ fanfiction, which I strongly recommend if you're a fan of Harry Potter and Dramione.

_Drop a review and tell me what you think!_


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